it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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