You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
