There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
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Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
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He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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