If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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