I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
