i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Randomize
