He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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