You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
