I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
