Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?