Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
