So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
