I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.