I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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