I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
