Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
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20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
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Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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