I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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