mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
