I like my sex mixed with concussions.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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