i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
