i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly