Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"