Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED