I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
