just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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