I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
