Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
