I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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