You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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