Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
