i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
