My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
