We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
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We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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