I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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