i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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