I think i peed on brittanys purse
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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