I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
