I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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