The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
