i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She needs sedatives and a leash
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.