I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
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I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
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So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
whose parrot is this?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?