haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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