Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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