i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize