Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
