my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
