Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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