Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Less talking, more tequila
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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