hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Randomize
