Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
