you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
