I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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