Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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