I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
