She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
