I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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